if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize