i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
