I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
