checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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