Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize