chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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