I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
is it fun? or sober?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
