i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Success! We fucked roommates!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
