the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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