He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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