You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
