I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
