Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
