He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
