Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
