Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
