I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
