ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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