If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
