Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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