The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
