Your face is a jimmy john
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
