What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
She needs sedatives and a leash
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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