Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
