Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
