They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
