Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
