Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He shit in the fireplace
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
