so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
