guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
