my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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