Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
