Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
