im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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