In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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