There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
