Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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