i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
