How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
