Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
