Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Randomize
