R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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