i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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