i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
