Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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