How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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