I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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