Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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