how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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