You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize