He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
