Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
