i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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