Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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