Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize