i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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