i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
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