True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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