is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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