I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i think my mom watched the whole time
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
