So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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